I’ve been waiting awhile to get the chance to write a review on Pandorum. It has been widely rejected by critics for its lack of distinction, pinned as a copycat of other sci-fi horror films, and what have you. But the critics are wrong. Pandorum has an excellent storyline that is backed up by phenomenal set design and convincing special effects. Ben Foster and Dennis Quaid aren’t the greatest actors known to man, but they do the job of embodying a two-man flight crew faced with the sudden mystery and danger of waking up on a derelict spacecraft. The film is packed with heavy doses of suspense, and a great plot twist at the finale – it kept me guessing the whole time, and I’m good with plot twists. Four!

Kevin Costner likes being in really, really long movies. I’m surprised he wasn’t in Avatar, as a matter of fact. I mean, they’re calling it “Dances With Wolves in Space.” The Postman is a really, really long movie with Kevin Costner in it. He walks around. He talks to some people. He gets drafted into a makeshift militaristic organization and escapes. Walks around some more. Keeps walking for awhile, and starts delivering letters. It was pretty good I guess. I liked it… no really.

This must have been a really great movie because I was paying rapt attention the entire time and I still couldn’t figure out what was going on. Seriously, there were about twenty-three or twenty-four different plots in the movie. They kept using this spinny map thing to tell them which plot they were supposed to do next. People were switching alliances left and right, locking each other up in their brigs, escaping from different brigs than the ones they just got locked up in, swirling around in gigantic whirlpools, awakening pagan gods, capsizing entire ships using wind sprints, and of course, blowing stuff sky-high with whatever they could find that exploded. Then Keira Knightly kept making out with people until she had tagged and bagged like everybody in the movie. I’m pretty sure she would have kissed with herself if she could have. They crowned her the Pirate King and everyone lived happily ever after. I think.

Reminds me again why I love epic films so much. Taking place over the course of several years, The Pianist follows the events in the life of a Jewish man in World War II-era Poland and his struggle to survive. He is snatched from the jaws of death by several close calls and nearly starves while living amongst the ruins of Warsaw.

Based on the true-life events as written in the memoir of Wladyslaw Szpilman, this is a gripping story of one man’s journey through hardship and suffering in the face of the fiercest kind of adversity. Now that was a cliche movie review sentence if ever there was one. 4 and a half flames!

Shiver me timbers, it’s a movie about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, two of the largest geeks ever to walk the planet! Quite an interesting docudrama about a sheisty, thieving crook (Gates) and a psychopathic tree-hugging idealist (Jobs) who founded two of the largest and most successful tech companies in the world today. Watching this movie will teach you that the only way to climb to the top is to use everyone around you as stairs. Very good, very good indeed.

After hearing that this film was far-fetched and difficult to believe, I sat down to watch it thinking it would be some overdone cheese-fest whose goal was to outdo the first movie in every possible way. Well, the truth is, it was – but it’s nothing more than you’d EXPECT from a Pirates of the Caribbean movie! If you’re not ready to suspend disbelief, to sit back and go along for the ride, maybe you’d rather have your feet bound to a moving vehicle and get tossed out the back instead of watching this movie. Then you’ll appreciate a good ride when you see it. Kiera Knightly was just as sexy as ever, even though she was a big slutbag – and not nearly as sexy as Captain Jack, but that goes without saying. This one gets a 4.5/5 on the scale since it was great but not quite as awesome as the first one.

The rock you live under must have crushed your common sense if you haven’t seen this movie. It kicks super major boot, and on top of that Captain Jack Sparrow is perpetually drunk, the evil pirates are perpetually evil, and it has pirates in it. Pirates rule like whoa. If I had to rate this movie on a scale of 0 to 5, zero being “I’d rather chop off my knee and put it in a blender and then eat it instead of watching this movie” and five being “I’d rather watch this movie instead of having wild sex” I’d go with a 5 because wild sex is probably pretty awesome but the movie was totally awesome too.

I think Good Will Hunting is probably the only good movie I’ve ever seen with Ben Affleck in it, and that was because he wasn’t in it that much. With such a familiar, yet original storyline, this film only scratched the surface. It had so much potential to be a better movie, but it just wasn’t. You wait for it to get really good but it just never happens. I’m thinking this is going to make a really good re-make in about twenty years when they realize how awesome this should have been. I’m bordering on giving it a 4, but since it was a disappointment in that respect I’m not going to be able to go above a 3.5 on our awesomeness meter.