I guess this is supposed to be heartwarming, somehow? A mentally ill man orders a life-sized female doll from the internet and starts to pretend that it’s his girlfriend. Very weird, and kind of disconcerting. Lars is played by Ryan Gosling, who does a fantastic job in being both innocent and socially unstable. His new “girlfriend” Bianca, whom he fully believes to be real, is a delusion he has created to deal with emotional problems he has been dealing with for a long time. His family and friends begin to help him through it as they realize that by playing along with his delusions they can give him the necessary time he needs to work out his issues. In short, it’s a good rental but I wouldn’t have seen it in theaters.

A case of mistaken identity lands Nick Slevin (Josh Hartnett) in a world of trouble when he goes to visit a friend in another city, and he ends up having to clear his name to avoid getting whacked by a mob henchman played by Bruce Willis. The film has a great twist ending; it’s like waking up to the worst day of your life and going to bed once you’ve taken revenge on the people who made it that way.

For everyone who was complaining that the first two movies in this trilogy were just a bunch of people walking around, you need to check out the Return of the King. This movie is full of heart-pounding, gut-wrenching, non-stop action. It includes senseless violence, epic battle scenes, lynching, lots of death, skeleton warriors, Legolas going psycho on some wussy Oliphaunt, lots more death, the king coming back to his throne, and orcs getting their ugly butts handed to them on ugly platters. If that’s not enough to convince you that this is the greatest movie of all time, go watch Black Eye for the Queer Guy, or whatever that show is called. Uh… FIVE!

Seriously people, how many times do I have to tell you that these three movies are making history? The Two Towers is the dark, gritty second part of the Trilogy of the Ring. Where the first movie tells one streamlined story, the Two Towers splits off into three concurrent stories, each of which is brought to us in seamless glory once again by the amazing talents of director Peter Jackson and WETA digital. Many prefer this movie to the other two because of all the new characters that are introduced, as well as the visual variety that comes about as a result of it. I’m going to go with FIVE on this one.

There is no possible excuse for not having seen this movie yet. If you lost both your legs in a tragic knife accident, call a cab. If you can’t make it to the theatre because of nuclear fallout, sign up for Netflix. If for some reason all the video stores near you are closed down, keep driving until you find one that’s open and has a stockpile of lord of the rings DVDs. This film is a superbly crafted work of art with stunning visuals, amazing digital effects, a top-notch soundscape, and great acting. That’s all you need to know. Now go see it. FIVE!

This was a touching film, but parts of it were played out. By that I mean that it had bits of a couple other movies within it, so while it was a good piece in and of itself, it loses points for originality. The story was fantastic and there was some of the finest character development I have seen lately though, so that made up for it. It was filled with your typical themes of “standing up for what’s right”,”killing yourself to preserve your honor”, and “sword as phallic symbol.” This is definitely worth watching, though I’ve seen better. On our meter of ratingness, this has acheived a 4.5 because of all the people who kill themselves for no reason throughout the movie.