Seriously people, how many times do I have to tell you that these three movies are making history? The Two Towers is the dark, gritty second part of the Trilogy of the Ring. Where the first movie tells one streamlined story, the Two Towers splits off into three concurrent stories, each of which is brought to us in seamless glory once again by the amazing talents of director Peter Jackson and WETA digital. Many prefer this movie to the other two because of all the new characters that are introduced, as well as the visual variety that comes about as a result of it. I’m going to go with FIVE on this one.

There is no possible excuse for not having seen this movie yet. If you lost both your legs in a tragic knife accident, call a cab. If you can’t make it to the theatre because of nuclear fallout, sign up for Netflix. If for some reason all the video stores near you are closed down, keep driving until you find one that’s open and has a stockpile of lord of the rings DVDs. This film is a superbly crafted work of art with stunning visuals, amazing digital effects, a top-notch soundscape, and great acting. That’s all you need to know. Now go see it. FIVE!

Whoa, this was a pretty good flick. The acting was good, the story was original, and it had a lion in it. Some parts were pretty slow-moving which takes a few points off, and the very ending was a bit cheesy and unrealistic. The mystery of whether or not these two old guys were really rich or not kept my interest. This is more of a movie you’d watch as a family than something I’d go out and see by myself, but it has definite entertainment value and some pretty funny parts as well. Definitely see it if your only other choices are of the “wholesome, heart-warming” genre and Seabiscuit is one of them.

This was a touching film, but parts of it were played out. By that I mean that it had bits of a couple other movies within it, so while it was a good piece in and of itself, it loses points for originality. The story was fantastic and there was some of the finest character development I have seen lately though, so that made up for it. It was filled with your typical themes of “standing up for what’s right”,”killing yourself to preserve your honor”, and “sword as phallic symbol.” This is definitely worth watching, though I’ve seen better. On our meter of ratingness, this has acheived a 4.5 because of all the people who kill themselves for no reason throughout the movie.

WAAAAAAAAH! When people told me this was the most violent movie ever made, I didn’t know it was also super-awesome, radical, and actually the most violent movie ever made. This movie would be so much better if more people died, but since that’s NOT POSSIBLE I gave it a 5 because the acting was awesome, the fighting and action was insane, the comic book vibe was refreshing, and Quentin Tarantino is a genius. If you didn’t like this movie, you’re wrong. Samurai swords are sweet, and if the rating scale went up to 5 and 1/2, I’d add the extra .5 because of the awesome twist ending!!!!

A relatively entertaining film that had slightly repetetive themes, but managed to pull off the “epic” feel fairly well. Acting was nicely done, but the monotony of a streamlined plot kept it from being better. If you’ve seen one “fearless leader who outsmarts the enemy and wins” movie, you’ve seen this. Its simplicity negated its value as a historically-based film. Usually, screenplays from novels are either extremely good, or relatively poor. This one falls in the middle; in other words, sometimes a writer can make reading about boring things better than a director makes watching them. The gnarly scene where the kid gets his arm sawed off was sweet so I gave it an extra half a point, to bring the grand total to 3.5 on the scale.

I’m not so sure it was a good thing that in the ads for this movie they mentioned it was from the same people who made “Super Troopers.” If you’ve seen that movie, you’ll know what to expect: plenty of lame, overused sex jokes, none of which were funny, and a plot that had little to do with anything except ripping off every other horror movie that’s ever been made. Take a comedy that’s not funny and a horror film that’s not scary, put them together, and here’s what you get: a crappy movie called Club Dread.

If this movie hadn’t had Ashton Kutcher in it, the hotness factor would’ve been drastically reduced. Still, it was pretty good even though Steve Martin looks like his face is about to fall off. The dude is old, he should seriously think about retiring. Anyway, there are some pretty good young actors and actresses in this one, and it’s definitely funny enough to watch if you like chaotic, farce-like situational comedy. Overall, it was a well-rounded picture, but it was still lacking for some reason I can’t put my finger on. We give it a 4.

Just when I thought Jim Carrey was gone for good, Bruce Almighty came out. Not only was this movie hilarious, it had a worthwhile message and Jennifer Aniston. For those of you who haven’t seen it because you think it’s sacreligious, don’t worry. It is, but not as much as you probably think it is. The point is, Carrey is still making the hits. He’s done comedies, dramas, and some other strange stuff and has finally proved with the Almighty that he’s still got it. Starring anyone else, this movie would have been simply mediocre. It’s a good quality, tasteful film. On the rating scale, I’m giving Bruce Almighty a 4.5 because although it was really good, Dumb and Dumber was better.

It seems Adam Sandler has made enough films in the past few years to spawn his own sub-genre of comedy, but the addition of Jack Nicholson took this movie a step beyond the rest. With Sandler as the executive producer, it’s only natural that you’d expect to see the usual medley of friends given small parts in the movie; SNL’s Kevin Nealon, tennis player John McEnroe, and actor John Turturro are a few. The thing I enjoyed most about this picture was its twist ending, which I would never have expected from a Sandler movie. It just goes to show you how conniving and manipulative some women can be when given the chance. You’ll know what I mean after you see the movie. On our awesomeness scale I’m giving it 1 for quality, 1 for an original ending, 1 for comedy and 1 more because Jack Nicholson is cool. A four.